A Land of Lol and A Time of Spoilers
by XyeahyeahsowhatX
Summary: A Merlin parody script, a chapter for each episode. Or, my attempts at trying to be funny. Read if you just want a laugh amidst the angst of the show :) T for silly language and because I'm paranoid.


**A Land of Lol and a Time of Spoilers**

**Episode One: The Dragon's Call**

**A/N ~ Well, hello lovely readers. This is a parody script of Merlin, inspired by the hilarious Evadne's Lord Of The Rings parodies, and the title is kind of stolen from a Game Of Thrones one, which is also one of the funniest things on the internet. Or, otherwise known as me attempting humour.**

**Disclaimer: MERLIN IS NOT MINE, AND DO NOT BE OFFENDED BY THE FOLLOWING CONTENT. IT IS ALL IN LIGHT-HEARTEDNESS, BECAUSE, WELL, THE TRUTH OF MERLIN IS REALLY DEPRESSING AND TEAR-JERKING AND I CRIED ALL CHRISTMAS BECAUSE OF IT. WELL, ANYWAY, THIS DISCLAIMER IS OVER BECAUSE REALLY, IT'S GOTTEN FAR TOO LONG.**

**This episode is not the funniest. Seriously. The others will be better.**

**Also, if you review, I shall give you a virtual cookie. With imaginary chocolate chips. **** Another cookie if you spot the mistake in this! ;)**

Fade-in to Ext. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

MERLIN is walking along a DESERTED PATH whilst KILGHARRAH gives a DRAMATIC VOICEOVER

KILGY (as he shall be known here)

Um, yeah, destiny is all there really is for you, mate. Sorry.

KILGHARRAH then realises he isn't actually INTRODUCED yet and EXITS

-TITLE SEQUENCE-

Cut to Ext. SQUARE - DAY

MERLIN watches a PUBLIC EXECUTION from a FAINTLY BORED CROWD, indicating this happens whenever KING UTHER has a BAD DAY, or, apparently, a TUESDAY

UTHER

I now establish myself as king! A friend of mine once made a mistake, so, of course, I must do the right thing and eradicate her entire kind. In addition to this bloodthirsty, rather inappropriate for before-nine BBC, execution, you are all invited to my party!

MERLIN

Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to come here?

Proceed to a CLOSE UP of MORGANA and MORGANA'S (FAR-TOO-EXPOSED-FOR-BBC) AMAZING CLEAVAGE through a WINDOW, securing all MALE VIEWERS. MARY COLLINS then appears randomly.

MARY COLLINS

You killed my son! So obviously I want to kill yours, though I'll still come off as evil when this is all said and done –

MORGANA

And you think you have problems with that.

WRITERS

Not yet, Morgana. Hush now.

MARY COLLINS

Anyway, I shall now take a moment to rather conveniently tell you all my plans.

UTHER

Crazy bitch. Kill her too.

MARY COLLINS then VANISHES in the middle of what appears to be a SMALL TORNADO OF SEWAGE.

MERLIN

Well, that was odd.

Int. MERLIN looks PRETTY LOST in THE MASSIVE FREAKIN' CASTLE - DAY

MERLIN

Let's ignore the fact I'm never going to ever find my way around this place. Where's Gaius' btw?

VIEWERS

Who the hell is Gaius?

MERLIN

...The court physician...?

VIEWERS

Ah... Still makes no sense as to why he's there, but Colin's cute so whatever.

A RIDICULOUSLY IDIOTIC GUARD TYPE MAN points in a RIDICULOUSLY IDIOTIC GAURD-TYPE WAY. MERLIN goes to GAIUS' CHAMBERS.

Cut to Int. GAIUS'S CHAMBERS

GAIUS

I think I'll take this opportunity to make viewers think I'm a senile old man, when in actual fact I know everything about everything and everyone ever.

He promptly DOES JUST THAT and falls through a WEIRD BALCONY THING. MERLIN's eyes flash GOLDEN WITH MAGIC and he moves a bed to SAVE GAIUS.

VIEWERS

Considering that last scene, he's pretty screwed.

GAIUS, being the INCREDIBLE VESSEL OF ALL KNOWLEDGE that he is, has twigged the PRETTY OBVIOUS FACT that MERLIN HAS MAGIC.

GAIUS

If anyone saw that you just used –

MERLIN

I did so not just use magic or anything.

GAIUS

You could be –

MERLIN

That bed totally just moved of its own accord. It's pretty boring being a stay-in-one-place bed, y'know. FREEDOM FOR ALL BEDS!

GAIUS

Oh dear god. Just be careful, ok?

MERLIN

Waaah! I'm sorry! I can't help it, Mr Random Man Who I Have Just Met In A City That Hates Magic, I was BORN THIS WAY! BABY, I WAS BORN THIS WAY!

MERLIN is oblivious to the fact that he has just quoted LADY GAGA

GAIUS

Um ok Whatevs, I'll just pass over that pretty important fact to ask who the hell you are supposed to be?

MERLIN proceeds to BABBLE MORONICALLY and ADORABLY for the NEXT SIX HOURS.

GAIUS

Wait... You're Hunith's son, right? Merlin?

MERLIN

Thank you!

While MERLIN SLEEPS, GAIUS reads a letter from HUNITH, explaining MERLIN'S BACKSTORY in what the BBC imagine to be a subtle way.

Int. MASSIVE FREAKIN' WINDOW - DAY

MORGANA is looking out of a window. AGAIN.

AUDIENCE

Ah it's Amazing Cleavage Girl

ENTER UTHER

UTHER

Morgana, get to that feast RIGHT NOW! Seriously, kids these days. You think they'd all be OVERJOYED at having a FEAST, but OH NO, IT'S ALL 'HUMAN RIGHTS' THIS AND 'SLAUGHTERING' THAT...

MORGANA

You're going to be confused over my ties to this family for half a series.

UTHER

Morgana. Morgana. Let me just establish that is your name, not Amazing Cleavage Girl. Morgana.

MORGANA

Simply to make Series 5 much more painful, I just don't think chopping someone's head of is a cause for celebration. #I'mASassyBadass

KILGY

Oh don't worry, you will come S5

MORGANA AND UTHER

Um, what?

KILGY

Sorry, again, not my scene.

UTHER

Anyway, it's all justice, don't you know! Killing is justice these days. Calling it murder is too mainstream. JUSTICE. KILLING = JUSTICE. KILL THEM ALL. KILL KILL KILL KILL

MORGANA

You have got to be kidding me. It's no wonder we all get so screwed up. I mean, seriously, look at our role model.

UTHER

KILL!

MORGANA

Do girls really call their parental figures 'my lord' these days? Good grief.

UTHER then establishes himself as KING DRAMA QUEEN and that he started THE PURGE. MORGANA is completely annoyed and repulsed.

MORGANA

Uther, can you go do something else please. You are interrupting my dramatic window time.

Ext. WOODLAND CAMP - NIGHT

LADY HELEN, or LH, is in a tent, being a WIMP. She hears a MYSTERIOUS NOISE and becomes INSTANTLY TERRIFIED like the UTTER WIMP she is.

LH

Gregory?!

GREGORY

Yo.

LH

Phew! Thank god. Go away now.

There are more MYSTERIOUS NOISES. MARY COLLINS enters and stabs what appears to be a MEDIEVAL VOODOO DOLL. LH dies, indicating this should not be on this early on BBC. MARY COLLINS does a SPELL and looks rather conveniently like LADY WIMPFACE HELEN

Int. GAIUS' CHAMBERS - NIGHT

MERLIN, failing at SLEEP, hears KILGY calling his name. This is completely WEIRD, CREEPY, AND SLIGHTLY PERVERTED.

Int. MORNING

GAIUS

Until you become useful I shall use you as a personal slave servant.

MERLIN

Thanks but no th –

GAIUS

Shut up. And deliver my potions.

MERLIN

But I –

GAIUS

I know you have magic. The king destroys magical peeps. Haha. Not the subtlety of my blackmail.

MERLIN looks THOUROUGHLY UNAMUSED.

OUTSIDE of the MASSIVE FREAKIN' CASTLE (which MERLIN seems to now know his way around, somehow), MERLIN notices ARTHUR AND HIS GANG OF MEDIEVAL JOCKS throwing KNIVES at some poor fool behind a TARGET

ARTHUR

Hah hah, look, I could quite easily have killed you throwing knives like this. LOL.

THE POOR FOOL COWERING BEHIND A TARGET

Ok, there is NO WAY this is the guy from Series 5.

MORGANA

That's adorable.

Close up on GWEN shaking a CARPET out of a WINDOW for really a DEAL TOO LONG. Seriously GWEN, STOP WITH THE CARPET! MERLIN stops the NOW-FALLEN target with a BADASS SMILE.

MERLIN

I shall now inform the viewers that I am a complete badass.

ARTHUR

Seriously. Who in the name of god is this loser?

THE MERTHUR FANGIRLS

OMG! THEY'RE SO IN LOVE! We MUST write 384567000 fanfictions and blogs and make gifs and fanvids and OMG ITS DESTINY

MERLIN, ARTHUR, AND THE NON-SLASHERS

Oh dear god. (FACEPALM)

MERLIN and ARTHUR continue to ARGUE in a series of SASSY, BADASS COMEBACKS that drive all THE MERTHUR FANGIRLS insane with HAPPY FEELS. MERLIN attempts to HIT ARTHUR and FAILS MISERABLY, because he is a SCRAWNY, GANGLY GIT who OVERESTIMED his physical strength against a INSANELY-MUSCLED PRETTY BOY

ARTHUR

Lol, jk peasant imma prince

UNAMUSED MERLIN

Wait what

ARTHUR

Yup, suckah!

Much to his inconvenience, MERLIN is ARRESTED.

Ext. MARY COLLINS, disguised as LH, arrives.

UTHER

OMG HAIII

MARY COLLINS

My reflection is still an old lady. Damn the people of Camelot are dumbass.

KILGY

Please, I've been telling you all that for years.

MERLIN, ARTHUR, MORGANA, MORGANA'S AMAZING CLEAVAGE, GWEN, UTHER, MARY COLLINS, GAIUS AND LADY HELEN'S GHOST

For the last time, Kilgharrah, wait for your scene!

Ext. DUNGEONS

MERLIN hears the WEIRD, CREEPY and SLIGHTLY PERVERTED voice. Again.

THE MERTHUR FANGIRLS

OMG DUNGEON! 6578 new fics and three gifs.

MERLIN

Oh dear lord.

GAIUS enters, playing the ANGRY, STERN PARENT. He CLEARLY needs CHILDREN but has yet found no woman mad enough to give him any, poor fool.

GAIUS

You _idiot_, Merlin!

MERLIN

Well that's always nice to hear.

ARTHUR

Haha, good thing...

GAIUS continues to RAMBLE on in an ANNOYING, PARENTISH fashion.

MERLIN

Somehow you get the impression people here don't like me very much.

GAIUS

Oh, shut up, boy. Anyways, I got you outta here...

MERLIN

Yay!

GAIUS

Um, not so much...

MERLIN is in the STOCKS being hit with VEGGIES by sadistic, vicious gangs of SMALL CHILDREN, who have obviously been told to copy their wonderful king. GWEN approaches MERLIN.

GWEN

Hello, I'm Guinevere, obviously the future queen and wife of Arthur, but call me Gwen and we can pretend like we get something on.

After this, the AIMLESS FLUFF-FEST continues with a talk with the FATHERLINESS-DEPRIVED (UNTIL NOW) GAIUS and MERLIN about how he is "SPECIAL"

Int. LH's GUEST CHAMBERS - DAY

MERLIN is delivering a POTION to LH, aka MARY COLLINS. He notices the MEDIEVAL VOODOO DOLL.

MERLIN

Ooh, pretty doll! I wanna play!

KILGY

You retard, that is quite clearly a magical voodoo doll.

MERLIN

Oh, right. Wait, THIS ISN'T YOUR SCENE YET

MARY approaches. MERLIN drops the DOLL and stands in THE most appallingly terrible imitation of normality the BBC viewers have ever seen.

MARY

Wtf are you doing in here, peasant?

MERLIN sees her HAGGISH – NO NOT HAGGIS YOU CRAZY SHEEP-INSIDE OBSESSED LUNATICS! – ELDERLY WITCH reflection.

MERLIN

Um I was, oh – what a nice – kitten, I have to go, um, have a good tree. Haggis. I mean haggish. Bye!

MERLIN QUICKLY SCARPERS

Ext. MERLIN'S SCHOOL OF SASS AND BADASS COMEBACKS

ARTHUR

You peasant learnt to walk on your knees yet?

SIMULTANEOUSLY, every MERTHUR FANGIRL explodes.

MERLIN

You have got to be kidding me. Now let me begin my lesson of Comeback Badassery. I got you were an ass. Just not that you were a royal one.

PEASANT CROWD

Ooohhh, burn

ARTHUR

God, shall we just brush over all the rest and randomly start fighting?

MERLIN

Sounds like a plan.

MERLIN is thrown a MACE and drops it IMMEDIATELY, rather like a LITTLE GIRL

ARTHUR

I warn you, I've been trained to kill since birth.

MERLIN

Kay. I'm going to make up for my girly patheticness with the mace with another sass lesson. And how long have you been training to be a prat?

PEASANTS

Ohoo, burn. Again.

Whilst FIGHTING AGGRESIVELY, MERLIN CHEATS using MAGIC. Seems legit.

GAIUS

(FROM WINDOW) Oh, I do love wearing this disapproving face. I do.

MORGANA

Gaius, piss off, dramatic window-watching is my thing.

MERLIN is DISTRACTED by the GUILT-TRIP that GAIUS' FACE just seems to conjure in EVERYONE EVER, and ARTHUR WINS THE FIGHT. Peasants cheer.

GAURDS

So, we let him ATTACK YOU, but now the entertainment is over, I guess we can arrest him, since you're no longer in any danger whatsoever.

ARTHUR

Nope. Since I feel a need to contradict everybody in this season, he can remain free. He might be an idiot, but he's a brave idiot.

THE MERTHUR FANGIRLS

He loves him!

EVERYBODY

Oh god.

(I shall spare you all the horror of Uther and Mary Collins hitting on each other)

Int. MERLIN failing to SLEEP in GAIUS' CHAMBERS - NIGHT

MERLIN hears the WEIRD, CREEPY, AND SLIGHTLY PERVERTED VOICE calling to him. Ignoring GAIUS' scary BEDTIME STORIES and The Camelot Time's Abduction Column, MERLIN follows the voice in his head, which makes complete sense. It leads him to a DRAGON, KILGHARRAH, under the MASSIVE FREAKIN' CASTLE

MERLIN

I'm going to take a moment to point out that I am completely unfazed and NOT terrified or shocked in any way that there's a MASSIVE FREAKIN' DRAGON under the castle.

KILGY

OH YES! MY SCENE AT LONG LAST! I'm going to be more arrogantly charming than Arthur and more loveable than you and more badass than Morgana and cuter than Gwen and I'm going to –

MERLIN

Oh lord. So, um, who are you again?

KILGY

I've waited for this for so long, I –

MERLIN

So can you tell me a bit about why I have magic please?

KILGY

Seriously, I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS!

MERLIN

Oh for the love of god, just please shut up for one minuet.

KILGY

Oh. Right. In order to confuse you further, I shall now spout meaningless nonsense about yours and Arthur's destiny.

MERLIN

Oh, you can piss off with THAT idea, I'm not sharing destiny with HIM.

KILGY

Yu-huh. Fangirls will make you. And anyway, cruelly enough I'm going to refrain from telling you about Morgana's destiny.

MERLIN

Morgana... Who...? Oh, Amazing Cleavage Girl.

MORGANA

(SIGHS)

KILGY

Anyway... see ya! Come back soon or I'll weirdly, creepily and slightly pervertedly invade your scenes with my voice.

Int. GAIUS' CHAMBERS – MORNING

GAIUS

Wakey wakey personal slave pretend-son. So today I need you to collect for me the powdered popcorn of a Mexican unicorn's toenail clippings, fresh dew encased in lemon scented candyfloss from the land beyond the organic orange googly eyes, and a dancing blue geckos armpit fart and a mars bar from outer space. Oh and deliver this to Morgana.

MERLIN

I think I'll start with the delivery thanks...

Int. MORGANA'S LAND OF SILLY GIRLYNESS - DAY

MORGANA

They've not had a cleavage shot of me for a while so I think I'll just go over her and start obviously undressing.

MERLIN

How do I even get into these situations?

MORGANA

You know what? Everyone else in Camelot is a dumb shit in this episode apart from me, so I'll just try and fit in. Therefore I now think you're Gwen, because that's a really easy mistake to make. I think I'm going to go behind this screen and explicitly overdo the fact that I'm taking my clothes off.

MERLIN

Oh... Well, what harm can it do if I just stay a little bit?

MORGANA

Oh, I do love the way the writers view me in this episode.

MERLIN

Don't we all. For some unfathomable reason I'm going to pretend to be Gwen.

GWEN ENTERS

GWEN

MERLIN YOU PERVERT JOB-STEALER!

GWEN hits him OVER THE HEAD with a FRYING PAN, TOM & JERRY STYLE.

MORGANA

Why we needed this scene I really don't know.

Int. GUEST CHAMBERS - DAY

SERVANT enters with a bowl of fruit

MARY COLLINS/LH

W...t...h?

SERVANT

Uther thought he could hit on you by sending you fruit. FRUIT. Fucking fruit.

SERVANT then spends eight hours fangirling over LH's SINGING.

MARY COLLINS

Oh, screw this, you're annoying me now.

MARY KILLS SERVANT.

Int. MEDIEVAL PROM NIGHT (or something like that) - EVENING

ARTHUR AND HIS MEDIEVAL JOCKS are pratting prattishly. Everyone is also there.

ENTER MORGANA

ARTHUR

Let me now take this moment to create an attraction to my half-sister.

UTHER

WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT YET! AMAZING CLE – SORRY, MORGANA, IS NO BLOOD RELATION OF MINE AT ALL, LET ALONE, I DUNNO, A DAUGHTER. NO. NO. NOT AT ALL.

MORGANA

I did warn you you'd been puzzling over who the hell I am for the rest of the series.

VIEWERS

This is completely disgusting.

Aside from the LANNISTER SICKENINGNESS, GWEN jumps adorably onto MERLIN

GWEN

Hi! It's me. The super sugary sweet little servant who is actually going to be Arthur's queen one day, but, like I said, just shorten my name and we can be shipped.

MERLIN

Again... What?

GWEN

Oh never mind. Let me take a moment to openly ship incest like the rest of the court.

UTHER

Settle down, peasants! Now since I'm a moron, I shall now ask the insane witch in disguise to sing for us all.

MUSIC STARTS. MARY AS LH starts to sing TERRIBLE MEDIEVAL OPERA. MERLIN, being the only one with a THIMBLEFUL OF BRAIN, covers his EXCESSIVELY LARGE EARS, which is NOT EASY.

MERLIN

Sleeping. At a time like this. Are you kidding me. I guess I should save the day.

MERLIN drops HIDEOUS CRYSTAL THING TRYING TO BE A CHANDELIER onto MARY. People wake up, confused.

MERLIN

You'd better get up, lazy fatties. Honestly, just go to sleep and let me do all the witch-crushing. Downright rude if you ask me but -

MARY throws KNIFE at ARTHUR. The Merthur Fangirls EXPLODE once more as MERLIN SAVES ARTHUR by pushing him OUT OF THE WAY OF DOOM.

UTHER

OMG. You saved my ONLY child – ONLY CHILD, did you hear that, court, Morgana, ONLY child – you need a big reward.

MERLIN

No...! Well, yes, I suppose I do.

UTHER

Something big

MERLIN

Yes! Gold, lands, food, armies, magic restored...!

UTHER

AS YOUR PHENOMENAL REWARD YOU SHALL HENCEFORTH BE...

MERLIN

This is it!

UTHER

Arthur's servant!

MERLIN

YES – Wait what?

THAT IS THE END.

**A/N ~ Fin. Whaddaya think? I give you, me failing at humour. Oh well. Reviews make my day and get you imaginary cookies.**


End file.
